Why I Can't Sleep

For years I went around saying that I never wanted to have children but then three distinct things happened to make me (kind of) change my mind. First, the election of Barack Obama as President of the United State. I remember watching the news and hearing interviews in which Black Americans recounted for the first time that they felt as though they could tell their children that they could be the President of the USA and have it not be a lie. Hearing those statements made something ping in the back of my brain: I didn't want to raise children in a society where they would be limited by the color of their skin. Really, who would? Many do but to be honest, I get that hardship and passing it on didn't seem right. But then we got a President who looked like the people I came from, and that made me see this country in a different light. Second, we re-elected him. Third, I fell in love and thought, Sure, I could reproduce with this man. Now, nothing is perfect. Obama is struggling. There are people out there that refer to him as the nigger President. Relationships eventually lose their glossy newness (now we talk about Drain-o before bed, pick out sheets, and fold each others underwear). I find happiness in the mundane. Even still, I feel hopeful, like I could maybe have a baby.

I felt hopeful.

Because people still call Barack Obama a nigger and even if the Airman and I have children, his whiteness will never overshadow their blackness and that blackness is still so undervalued in this society. After the Newtown shootings I was actually afraid to go to work. One morning I cried so hard that the Airman told me that maybe I should take a day off. I felt fearful of the world. Of my world as though any minute it would devour me and I would never be heard from again.

I find myself feeling similarly in the aftermath of George Zimmerman's acquittal.  I'm afraid for my brother and my cousins and my uncles. I'm afraid for my friends and for their sons because it really does feel like open season for the hunting of young, Black, men. And now I'm reminded (because when you live in a bubble, it is so very easy to forget) that it's not just the neighborhood watch or the police you have to be afraid of; it's that fact that no matter how hard America tries, no matter how civilized and polished we try to appear for the rest of the world, we are still a nation full of hate.

How could I even begin to think of raising a child in all of this?

I can't. I don't think I will.

Earlier today I thought: My White friends are so lucky. They can have babies who will unlikely ever find themselves in Trayvon Martin's position. They might never know what it's like to be followed around a store or be called a nigger or carry the burden of being a member of a race some deem worthless. But really, they are not luckier than the Black babies being born today. As long as we continue to demean and devalue any human lives, we are all suffering. Whether or not we can see it, it's true.

Even knowing this, I'm  back to thinking that I don't want babies.

Knitting

I talked about the boxes. I talked about the books. Now here is the knitting. I've been intermittently working on Jared Flood's Guernsey Wrap for about a month now. By intermittent I mean that I knit on it for two hours, makes lots of progress, and then put it down and forget I started it. Dumb me. It's really an easy pattern to follow and the end result is beautiful. I'm going to have to make another one because, while I love the color, I hate the yarn. I'm not even sure why I hate it. Maybe because it's not 100% wool? Which makes me wonder: Why did I buy it to begin with? Oh well. Here is a picture of it more than 50% done. At least I think it's more than 50% done. I'm not good with numbers. 

Please be kind, it needs blocking. And I did make a mistake but I was too lazy to try and fix it.

I do promise to talk about the writing in a couple of days. There is a lot to process.

Summer Reading Update

Damn there are some good books out there right now. Since school ended I've done some serious devouring of books (I've also worked on my own book but more about that later) and I even joined a book club. I think in an earlier post I listed  the books I was planning to read this summer. 

I don't remember what those books are. Here is what I have read so far: 

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I loved every moment of this book (until the very end). 

Hold it Til it Hurts by T. Geronimo Johnson. I just finished this last night. Seriously, Nimo? Seriously? This book is awesome. I read it in two days and would not go to sleep without finishing it. Haunting and beautifully written. There were parts that made me cringe and parts that made me laugh and parts that made my heart race. Everyone needs to read this book. Today. Do it now. I'm not kidding. 

Then I also read not been able to finish The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obrecht. I will but....

Still left: Anna Karenina, The Brothers Karamazov, and A Visit from the Good Squad. I might go back and read The Night Circus since it was on the original list. 

I might not read any of them. I might read other things. But at least I'm reading! 

Boxes, Boxes, Everywhere

Okay. Here it goes. I have an addiction. To subscription boxes. This is not uncommon but lately I have found that people are beginning to associate me with boxes (This might be because I am addicted to them and talk about them ALL the time. Whatever.). So here is the rundown on all the boxes I currently receive.

Lets start with the gateway drug box:

Birchbox

      

What is it: a monthly subscription service that focuses on makeup, skin, and healthcare products with the occasional lifestyle product.

How much: $10 a month. 

Why I like it: the cost is pretty low and for ever product you receive you can write a review for 10 points. After you accumulate 100 points you get $10 to spend in the Birchbox shop. You also get points when you buy items in the shop. It's become my go-to for all my hair and skin care products. They are also pretty generous with 20% off deals and bonus points. They also get a lot of praise from me for their excellent customer service and super fast shipping. 

Next up:

MyGlam bag from Ipsy

What is it? A monthly subscription service that send 4-5 samples and full sized makeup, skin, and hair care products. 

How much: $10 a month

Why I like it: To start, I really that each month you get a brand new makeup  bag. Now, I know that I don't need 12 makeup bags but when something isn't quite my taste, I put it in my pile o' gifts ( like last months cheetah and neon green bag--it will go to my cousin at some point). I also like that they send a lot of full sized items. Some are high end and others you might find in a drug store hit that's rare. Recently they have been sending their customers different items based on their beauty profiles so there is  more variation in the boxes.  I've been subscribing since November and intend to keep it for the foreseeable future. 

Popsugar Must Have

What is it? Popsugar is  a monthly subscription box that includes a variety of products that are considered Must Haves for the month. I've received scarves,books, make up, perfume, workout DVDs, jewelry etc.

How much: $35 a month but the contents of the box are almost always worth $100 or more. 

Why I like it: I've been introduced to a bunch of new things that I probably would never have heard of.  I also really love the brands they send out.  And $35 isn't much to spend when you get so much back. Embarrassingly enough I was going to buy the new Devil Wears Prada book but decided against it at the last minute which is a good thing because Popsugar sent it to me in the June box. 

If you use the code REFER5 you will get your first box for only $30!

Bespoke Post (Box of Awesome)

What is it? You know I'm not 100% sure. It's a box geared towards men but I find that often but they send something that I might use myself. The current month they're offering a fun cocktail mixing ser and last month was a was a Dopp kit  that went to the Airman. 

How much is it?  It's a little on the spendy side at $45 a month.  My three month subscription was purchased on Groupon.  the initial price was $75 but I had a credit so I only paid $15 for the three months. The nice thing is that you can either opt in for the current box or choose your box from the past ones that are still available. On the first of each month you get an email with the current box and then you have until the fifth of the month to decide whether or not you want that box. 

I probably won't get this every month after my 3 month subscription runs out. It's just a little too costly. That said I will probably send the list and if they send me something that I really like or that I think the Airman will really like, I would probably buy it.

If you refer a friend you get a $25 credit.

Conscious Box

What is it: A monthly subscription box that sends out samples of natural and organic products ranging from cleaning supplies to food to skincare.

How much is it? $19.99 a month 

Why I like it: I'm on the second month of a three month deal I purchased on Plum District so the cost was only $10 a month for the first three months. What I like about CB is the variety of items they send in one box and every box is completely PACKED. So in addition to discovering some really great items, there are a lot of them. You can review each products for points towards full sized versions of the things they send but I think it takes too long to do all 15 so I'm not really consistent about taking advantage of this perk.  While I have enjoyed receiving Conscious Box,  the July box will be my last for a while--I can't justify the cost even if I've used a lot of the products.


Glossybox

What is it? A monthly subscription box that sends out luxury, deluxe makeup, skincare, and haircare samples

How much: $21 a month

Why I like it: Do I like it? I can never tell. They have my favorite packaging of all the boxes I receive. That's something, right? I mean I can't seem to quit them so they're doing something right. My main issues with GB: terrible shipping. This is ALWAYS my last box to arrive each month and I don't know that it's worth it to get a foil packet of something that costs $100+ for a full sized item. It's unlikely that I'll purchase something that is that spendy BUT maybe I would if could use it for a week and see it in action. I was going to cancel after July. I really might this time. Seriously. (But I do like it so I probably won't).

Glossybox does give you points if you fill out your survey or refer a friend (see link above) the only problem is their survey is annoying.

Goodebox

What is it? a monthly subscription that sends a 5-6 samples of natural hair, skin, and makeup items.

How much: $16

Why I like it: I always use everything in this box. I thought I had canceled if for July (need to stop with the boxes!!!) but I guess I didn't because I got a box this month and it was awesome! (My review should be up for it in the next couple of days). GoodeBox is pretty good about sending decently sized items each month and they products are always of the highest quality. I'm probably going to resubscribe to this one.  The one downer: no points or referral perks of any kind.

Last one! I swear!

Yuzen

What is it? A quarterly subscription box that sends natural and organic items.

How much: It used to be $26 but now it is $33 a month

Why I like it: This is a pretty awesome box. I wish it was monthly but they send some really amazing products like candles, my current favorite lip palette (from Suki), and various lotions and oils and whatnot. The Suki lip palette cost $31from the company and it's one that I will likely purchase in the future. I have to say, of all my boxes, I have probably used everything in my Summer Yuzen box. It's probably why i don't care that the box has gone up in price. It's been completely worth it every time (well, I've only gotten two). They're also pretty popular right now because there's a waiting list for those of you who want to get in on the action.


That's it. At least I think that's it.
I will probably rotate some of these out so I can try other boxes but for now....