Editing: Mind, Body (okay, and Page)

And by mind, I mean my stupid, fucking, novel. Okay. It's (I hope) not stupid, but it's stressing me the fuck out. I'm just frustrated, mostly because I want to write it but also because I realized that editing is not just something I do on the page.

My rough drafts (like many of my life attempts: love, education, career) are a total mess. Yes, there are are lines that I absolutely adore. But sometimes, you just have to hit the delete button. Kill your babies (maybe not the most politically correct phrase but that is what it feels like when the only thing you parent are words on the page).

In addition to editing my disastrous and insanely incomplete novel, I'm editing my life. I'm making necessary changes. The biggest is getting healthy. I think it's going to happen. Slowly, but surely. The good thing is, I'm more excited by this than I am to write. Wait. That's no really that great, but I'll take what I can get.

Here's my big problem: Performance anxiety. The minute anyone asks me to do anything related to writing, health, etc, I get really excited (see beginning of NYE Challenge) and then I get really paranoid about failure/rejection (see inability to finish NYE challenge). Someone out there wants to read my work and maybe represent me. I told this person I would send them a sample of my work and that I only needed 2 weeks to give them a solid sampling of my work. What happened? Paralyzed. Can't write. Don't want to write. Hate writing. The same applies to the gym. I'm on a roll, people are beginning to expect things on me (at least I think they do) and then, what do I do? Fuck. It. Up. (not quite, I mean a total of 17 workouts and 6 feats, not a win but not a total FAIL either).

Things I'm going to edit from daily life: Booze (not including the wine I'm drinking now), Restaurants (left over from the DIY feat and going strong!), laziness (yes, you), and most importantly, fear. I'm going to root out that thing that keeps me from accomplishing the goals I set for myself, and bury it where I can't see it.

What am I talking about? Oh yeah, editing down my life to make it better. Much like Gordon Lish did to Ray Carver's stories.